long overdue update….

Well it’s been quite a while since I wrote anything here, so I figured it might be time to take up the writing habit again.  A lot has happened since the last time I updated this, and not all of it is for public consumption.  I’ve watched relationships that I thought were solid as stone crumble to bits, and seen people I never would have thought would like each other happily pursuing a relationship together.  It’s hard to predict what people will do and say these days for some reason.  Some of the people I thought were my best friends have lost all touch and friends I never thought to see again have come back into my life.

Money is still a problem, as always, but with a recent success with the bank we finally have the capital to fix the problems with our small house and get it ready for a rentor.  I can’t wait until we’re out of this tiny place and into one of the awesome two stories over in Hope Mills that we’ve looked at.  I know all three of us (and the puppies of course) will be much happier with more room to spread out and have our own spaces.  As it is the house we’re in is barely large enough to contain all of us.  Pete has his bedroom and some of my stuff lives there, Duckie has his room and I sometimes sleep there.  I don’t have a space that’s just mine to do with as I please.  I have no place to go other than the couch if I feel the need to sleep alone.  A larger space is exactly what we need, and also solves the problem of where everyone will sit when I feel the need to surround myself with friends.

A roadblock on the way to the new house is the new problem with Rune.  Our senior citizen husky has started having breathing problems and nosebleeds.  I’m not sure how much the trip to a specialist will cost us to find out what’s wrong with him, but I can’t let him go on the way he is.  It might drain our pocketbook a bit, but I owe him far too much for his companionship all these years to let him slip away without trying to fix what’s wrong.

Our search for a female submissive is still ongoing.   Twice now I’ve let my hopes gets the better of me.  The first turned out to need more maturity since she apparently valued the convenience of being able to play with whomever she wanted over the support and love of a poly family.  The second decided to choose the easy way out and left us for a single guy who didn’t expect more of her than occasional sex.  I look around and see so many couples and single dominants who seem to collect people so effortlessly and I wonder what we’re doing wrong.  Yes we’re a complicated trio, but every poly family is complicated.  I’m begining to believe the jokes that compare a search for a bisexual poly female submissive to looking for a unicorn.

There have been some other changes in plan and situation, but I’ll save those for a later post.  I think for now I’ll go read a kinky romance novel and hope that the girl for us is out there waiting for us to find her.

I hope everyone has a very Happy Holiday and a wonderful New Year!  Please be safe and stay out of trouble!

Its a Fetlife Christmas!

For anyone who’s got a member account on Fetlife.com John and the support crew have come up with an awesome opportunity!

They’ve put together the bestest christmas stocking ever! Just take a look at the list of what’s included:

• The Worlds Best Blindfold by Scott Paul Designs
• 6 month subscription to Into the Attic
• 6 month subscription to Backdoor Bondage
• The Zeus Electrogasm from ExtremeRestrains
• DVDs from Kink.com
• Vibrator from VibeReview.com
• Lucid Dream Bullet from Bondage Fetish Store
• Wartenberg Pin Wheel from Medical Toys
• Graves Speculum from Dr. Clockwork
• Emt shears, cane, paddle or rope from Boss Bondage and PlayPiercingKits.com
• 10 foot custom dyed rope from Ms. Nikki Nefarious
• Something special from Dungeon Discounters
• A leather goodie and 30% coupon from Sinvention
• 4×6 Print from fetish photographer Lochai
• New York City SexBloggers 2009 Calendar
• 5″ toy case from For Your Nymphomation
• Round Triskele-Symbol 3″ Lapel Sticker from RogerMeToo
• 25 Condoms

Now’s not the time to get out your wallets though…they aren’t selling this cool stuff; they’re giving it away!  For five lucky people who email their fetlife id, full name, and address this awesome stocking will show up at your door after they hold the drawing on January 1st.  Just email the info to:  project_elf@fetlife.com

My christmas present to me!

Anyone who knows me is aware of my love of body mods like tattoos and piercings. I’ve already got two tattoos and one lip piercing, but I’m always researching what I want to get next. This weekend I was lucky enough to be able to take advantage of a permanent piercing demo presented by the local bdsm group The East Coast Kink Contingent (TECKC).

I’ve been thinking for quite a while about getting a triangle piercing. For any who don’t know, aesthetically it looks similar to a horizontal hood piercing, but the placement of the jewelry is underneath the clitoral nerve bundle rather than on top through the hood. This is a very anatomy-dependent piercing; you have to have a large clit and enough room behind it for it to be easily lifted away from the body. Some of the worst horror stories associated with this piercing are due to unqualified piercers performing it on unsuitable bodies. Since the bar passes under the nerve bundle it provides a different sensation than hood piercings, and in researching it I was hoping for easier and more intense orgasms once it healed.

With all that in mind I arranged a consultation with Lee at Progress Piercing in Raleigh to find out if I was suited for it. After a couple of minutes poking and prodding while I lay half-naked on the table, Lee exclaimed that I was perfectly suited for a triangle, and reeled off a whole list of other genital piercings that I was well-suited for. I declined the rest of the list…I’ll just start with one thanks. *grin*

So, nervous as hell, I watched during the demo while Lee gave a man two ten gauge scrotal rings (which were hot as hell), and a woman a tragus piercing…then it was my turn.

Once again I sat half-naked; this time in front of an audience, while he went over with them the seriousness of the piercing, and importance of anatomy and having a qualified piercer. He covered aftercare, and the importance of gentleness once I start having sex again, and then it was time to lie back and spread ‘em.

He marked the area, placed the clamps, and told me to breath; then shoved the needle through in one smooth, quick motion. One moment of hot pain (that was less than getting my nipples done) and then just a warm throbbing while he replaced the needle with the jewelry and fixed the end caps on the bar. Very quick, very easy, and nowhere near as painful as I’d been led to believe.

The ride home was interesting…both feet propped wide open on the dash, and the seat laid back. In the last couple of days I’ve been doing the recommended salt water soaks and cool water rinses, and have had very minimal twinges from the piercing. Cant play with it obviously, but I have found that apparently the kitty likes it since Ive been pretty constantly wet and horny since I got home. How ironic is that? I finally have the constant desire for sex that the men in my life want, but now I can’t act on it…talk about torture!

learning to accept rejection

It’s really impossible to explain to someone who’s never experienced rejection just how horrible it feels.  A wrenching in the gut and a huge blow to confidence and self esteem; the damage never really goes away.  The reasons might be completely understandable, and no offense may be meant but no matter how nicely someone turns you down it still hurts the same.

It hurts even worse when you don’t see it coming.  When you give someone you care about, and feel that you could build a long and intense relationship with, the space they claim to need, only to watch them give what you wanted so much to someone else.  You care about that person and want them to be happy, but at the same time a small part of you is still hoping that their relationship will fail.  Its not a pretty thing, but it is human.

I can’t count the number of times in the last two years that I’ve pinned hopes on a developing relationship only have them crushed.  I try to be decent and honorable and let people choose their own way, not force them to come to a decision early on as to where things are going.  I try to give people space to decide how they feel…and every time I do that I lose out on what I want.  It’s not just nice guys that finish last….nice girls don’t do so hot either.

On that note, I’m going to go light a fire in the fireplace, have a few drinks, and get my pity party underway.  At this point I don’t think I’m ever going to find the person I’m looking for.  Every time I think I’ve found it I look away for a moment and then look back to find they’ve got someone else’s name on their collar.

*Le Sigh*

My last post here was pretty whiny and I’m sure many people reading it felt the need to offer me some cheese to go with the impressive vintage I displayed. *smile* Today though I’m feeling so incredibly much better. I’m still slightly floaty and feeling yummy after a great weekend. The only thing that could have made it better would have been if I got laid too. More’s the pity that wasn’t really possible, but hey there’s always hope for the future!

One of the prospects that my wonderful Daddy has been talking to seems to be coming along fairly nicely, and there’s a small glimmer of hope that she can be more than just an occasional fun time on the weekend. That definitely seems to reduce his stress level since she dropped off the radar for a while. She’s now gotten back in communication with us and he’s really happy about that.

In other poly news, Duckie has managed to find a fairly serious girlfriend. I waited to feel the jealousy twitch so I could acknowledge it and deal with it, but surprisingly it never really appeared. I like her a lot; she has a great sense of humor, isn’t afraid to speak her opinion, and has common sense and intelligence which both seem to be lacking in the general dating population.

The girl in question is part of another poly/leather family, and I was somewhat anxious about how the dynamics of that would be affected by her dating Duckie. She’s the submissive of the head of that poly family, so there’s the obvious questions of what lines need to be respected while building the relationship.

The cool thing from my perspective (other than the fact that she’s cool enough to be completely respectful of mine and Duckie’s relationship) is that the dominant she’s submissive to is someone I’ve been lusting after in a number of ways for a while now. Nefarious’s very much into rope and suspensions, which I’ve wanted to explore and play with for a while now, and in the last year or so his play style has evolved to something much closer to what Pete and I have. We all three went up to their place this weekend to spend time together and it was definitely a good experience. There was a little drama caused by miscommunication and unseen emotional triggers, but we got it all fairly well smoothed out.

I’m still sore and achy in that oh-so-good way from the scene I had on saturday night. I got the rope bondage I love so much, and all the yummy hurty stuff that leaves bruises and marks for days. I didn’t quite get to that cathartic place where I cry inconsolably for ten or fifteen minutes and then can’t stop giggling for hours, but since it was the first time we played he didn’t want to push too much.

I’m getting the feeling that if all goes well both families could end up being an extension of each other. I’ve wanted to play with Nefarious for quite a while now. Sadly there was quite a long time when he seemed to have too many issues for me to deal with, but with certain changes in his life and his poly family he’s settled into himself and turned out to be someone I really enjoy being around. Not to mention that he’s as big a fan of biting as I am. *smile* There are a few other things he’s into that I’ve been very interested in exploring, but I think that’ll have to wait a little bit. It’s definitely more important to me to build a stable foundation for both families, and be supportive of Duckie’s new relationship with Z than to rush ahead with the fun stuff that I want. Unfortunately I can’t be little all the time…there are times to indulge in that, and times that I have to be a grown-up and act responsibly. Bleah…I hate those times….

What about us?

I generally try to avoid whining and sniveling when I miss out on something, but since this is my blog I figure I can whine and bitch all I want. *grin*

My main gripe right now is over how hard it is to find suitable partners.  If all I wanted was a good roll in the hay I could probably think of a dozen people I could call, but finding someone to be a member of our poly family has proven to be much harder.

To give a little background info, I’ve been married for seven glorious years to a dominant and recently we were joined by another dominant who’s just starting out on his journey.  My husband and I have a power exchange relationship, but Duckie and I do not.  Neither of the guys are bisexual, and sometimes it’s a little hard for a girl to keep up with all the testosterone in the house.  What we’d like to find is an intelligent, articulate, masochistic, and submissive female whom we all like and get along with.

Needle in a haystack?  yeah….

Our best prospect that we pinned our hopes on seemed to be a perfect fit.  Then she decided that staying home safe with mommy was a better bet than venturing out into the wide world without a safety net.  She’d just gotten out of college and apparently isn’t ready to face the real world and grow up.

Our second prospect is someone we met somewhat recently; she’s very interested in the erotic hypnosis that is Pete’s newest kink, and is masochistic and adventurous enough to satisfy me.  Plus she’s cute, blonde, and has a nice little bubble butt that just begs to be spanked.  Problem is that she’s decided that a mutual friend is going to be her new boyfriend.  I guess we need to branch out away from the college-kid set.

We’ve met several couples as a family, and many many individuals, but invariably they all decide that we’re not what they’re looking for.  To make it worse, while Duckie is perfectly willing to be involved in group activities, Pete isn’t.  I’m faced with the choice of none of us getting to play, or leaving Pete at home while Duckie and I go out to have fun.  Neither option is really all that great a choice.  What I’d really like is to find a female submissive who fits into our family and can be there for Pete during those times that Duckie and I go off to play, and can be there for Duckie when Pete and I need time alone.

As I watch more and more of our friends find play partners, life partners, and best friends with benefits I try to be supportive and happy for them.  I am happy for them, but I can’t help but feel the flash of jealousy that rears it’s head and asks, “What about us?”.

thoughts on firsts

Yeah I know, I didn’t finish the story yet.  Sorry, but writer’s block is a bitch.  In the meantime here’s my thoughts after this weekend.

This weekend I got to attend a really awesome event hosted by my local bdsm group.  I always have a great time at their events, so I knew this weekend would be no exception.  The people are always welcoming, friendly, and delightfully kinky and perverted. *grin*

What made this weekend special was that two fairly new friends of mine drove up to check it out.  They’ve recently become a little disillusioned with their local group because of some controversial opinions aired about switches and poly relationships, so I invited them up to check out our group in the hope that they’d have a better time in a group with a more tolerant attitude.

Obviously they’re both deliciously perverted and fun or I wouldn’t want to hang out with them so much; but I was also hoping to get to play with both of them.  I only got half my wish due to time constraints, and a really really nice resistance scene with my Daddy, but even half was more than I bargained for.

I won’t go into a lot of details, other than she looked absolutely lovely squirming against the ropes and makes lots of very interesting and adorable sounds when you tickle her. *smile*

The really big thing, the thing that blew me away was that she cried for me.  She told me later that no one had ever gotten her to that point before, and from her reactions and our conversation a couple of days later it was a pretty positive thing for her.

I’ve always been turned on by tears, either from myself or others; but hearing her say that it was a first for her was a really powerful feeling.  I don’t think I can describe how it feels to know that I gave someone a “first”.  I’ve heard others make jokes about “popping a cherry” but I’m not quite that casual about it when it comes to sm play, especially when such play involves emotions and altered mental states rather than just physical sensation.  To take someone to what they thought was their limit, and then past it to the cathartic release that brings on tears is incredibly empowering.  My sadist side absolutely loved that she’d lost control so much, but the tears also brought out my nurturing side that likes to take care of people.  In a weird way though the two sides weren’t conflicted…even the nurturing side felt that the release was something good for her, something she needed to experience.

It’s always a wonderful feeling to teach and help people newer than me to the lifestyle, or teach something I know to someone who’s been around a while but somehow managed to miss it.  I feel it’s important to give back to the community, but I choose a more personal way to do that.  I don’t teach classes very often, I don’t run for titles or leadership positions.  I try to help people one by one; personally and in whatever way I feel competent to do so.  It was my very great honor this weekend to expose someone new to what’s possible when you have a good connection with someone, and trust them enough to let them take you there.

Thank you so much Ellie, for letting me take you there, and thank you Jay for sharing so very very well.  Next time we’ll need to try a change of roles, so that I can see where you and I can go together. *smile*

Just a little creative writing…part one

It started with a touch on the nape of my neck; his fingertips warm and slightly calloused as he caressed me. I smiled down at my book as I tucked my chin down and leaned back enjoying the small circles he drew across my skin. With my eyes closed I was unprepared when he slid his fingers up into my hair and grasped a handful tightly, jerking my head back and to one side. I gasped as I felt his breath hot on my ear and the side of my neck. “You are mine.” He whispered just before his teeth closed over my pulse and sunk in to leave a perfect ring of marks behind.

My book fell, forgotten as he wrenched at my hair and pulled me to my feet. His free arm crushed me to his chest as he kissed me forcefully, his tongue plundering my mouth and leaving me breathless. I barely had time to react before he shoved me back down to my knees and then further. His hand released my hair as I knelt there with my knees apart and my face to the floor. My heart pounded as he walked away and left me there imagining all the torments and delights he might have planned.

There was no way to measure how long he left me there measuring the seconds with my breaths. It was forever before I heard his footsteps returning, and I tensed as he knelt at my side. “Push your ass up higher.” His voice was a low growl that brought shivers and goose bumps down my arms while I braced myself and lifted my ass up and spread my knees. There’s really no way to truly describe the sense of vulnerability that position can bring. Completely open, with arms stretched out and no way to shield myself I could already feel dampness between my thighs and my nipples tightening into small hard knots.

His finger abruptly plunged into me roughly and he laughed. “Already wet I see.” The finger withdrew before I could do more than moan, and his open palm slapped harshly into my upturned ass. I yelped a little and arched my back into the second blow. Steady and methodical the blows kept coming, shaking me and bringing up a stinging heat in my ass and the backs of my thighs.

As suddenly as they started, the blows stopped. I sighed and reveled in the warmth left behind while he stood up and took a few steps away. I tensed in anticipation of what would come next, but the loud crack of a whip still took me completely by surprise. I heard him chuckle softly as I yelped at the noise, and then he swung again to land a light strike on the back of my thigh. The whip continued to swing striking my ass cheeks and my thighs; from time to time he’d swing it wide so the cracker would give a loud report to make me jump and squeal. The pain from was intense, and I felt as if each strike cut me to the bone. After a while I had to struggle just to stay still and was sobbing, begging for mercy.

When it finally stopped and I relaxed he strode forward and seized my hair again to pull me up. I thought I might have a reprieve but he merely held my face up to lovingly lick the tears that ran down my cheeks. Dropping the whip he propelled me forward down the hall. I couldn’t hold myself up and would have fallen if not for his hand securely holding me up by my hair. It started to hurt more and more, and without thinking I reached up to try to gain some relief from the pull. Instantly he stopped and shoved my hands away before slapping my face sharply. “I’ll do as I please, and you aren’t to try to stop me. Do you understand?” I nodded mutely, more tears starting to flow and a sob choking my throat. He shook my head hard. “Answer me!”

A loud sob escaped before I could cry, “Yes Sir!” He grabbed my wrists in his free hand and walked me the length of the hall to the bedroom. As we reached the door he shoved me violently onto the bed and left me there sobbing while he closed the door. His hands removed his belt as he said; “Now we’ll see what a slut like you is really good for.”

Part two coming soon…..

Dark Odyssey Summer Camp Adventures

My wonderful Daddy recently came home from a long military deployment, and I wanted to make sure he got a good vacation. We thought about, and eventually rejected such ideas as Disney World, a beach trip, and a cruise. I was trying really hard to think of something that wouldn’t cost us several thousand dollars, and would still make for a really awesome vacation. Then I heard about Dark Odyssey….a whole camp full of kinky people! All wandering around, attending classes, playing, having sex, having fun doing whatever they want for a whole weekend! How freakin’ cool is that?

Yeah it’s a little pricey, especially considering we had to come up with the scratch to pay for three people; but definitely worth it considering the money covers living space and food unlike a lot of other events. It’s definitely far and away the best event I’ve ever had the privilege to attend. There are advantages to having an event out in the woods at a private campground rather than in a hotel.

The pretty user-friendly attendees area of the website allows for online socializing with others before you get there and definitely ups the anticipation since it’s used for setting up playdates and getting to know others through the forum.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to attend all the classes I wanted to since even this event retained the annoying habit most of these events have of scheduling really great things all at the same time. I really wanted to attend Lolita Wolf’s class Kidz Rule, but my pyro tendencies won out and I went to a fire poi class instead. There’s nothing that comes close to the rush you get from spinning two balls of fire on chains. The flames passing so close you can almost feel them kissing your skin, and the roaring of their passage drowning out almost all sound. *purr* Okay, so I’m a little crazy about fire.

I also participated in the Garden of Carnal Delights brothel and that was definitely an interesting experience. It was a lot more fun than dealing with clients as a pro-domme, but I wish some of the potential clients wandering in and then out had been a little less shy. I only had one “customer” that wasn’t at all afraid to tell me what he wanted. It was still fun and if they have it next year I’d definitely be willing to do it again.

One of the best parts of camp was the ability to be yourself, and play naked outside. I got to stretch out under a tree on a nice thick blanket, while my Daddy slowly and lovingly sliced an intricate design into my thigh with a scalpel while our cabin-mates watched. Being out under the sun definitely made it a completely different experience.

The topper for the whole experience was Night in Flames. I love playing with fire, but I’ll admit that me being on fire is one of my big fears. I decided to try to overcome that at least a little by taking part in something you almost have to see to believe. I stripped down and put my hair up, then joined the line of people by the pool already waiting anxiously for their turn. When my turn came I nervously stepped up and between two people wielding bottles of alcohol. I spread my arms to the side while they soaked me with the cold alcohol from shoulders to toes. Goosebumps coming up all over in the cool night air, I turned and wrapped my toes over the edge of the pool while they retrieved fire batons and lit them. I took a deep breath and nodded when they asked if I was ready, and then gasped as they lightly tapped the batons up my legs starting at the ankles. I could only take the heat for the split second as the flames spread quickly up my body, and flung myself into the water. The contrast from heat to cold was intense, exhilerating, and like nothing I’ve ever felt before! I had a couple of hot spots on my calves, so I stayed in the pool to let them cool while I watched ten or so other people get lit up. The sight of someone standing there in the dark but for the flames licking up their body is just amazing and has to be seen to be believed.

All in all it was a really awesome weekend. I met lots of great like-minded people and got over a little of my shyness when it comes to being seen naked outside of a play party.  Next year though I think I’m gonna see about getting fucked by multiple people through the bars of one of the cages they had set up by the pool. *grin* I wanna see how many fantasies I can fulfill.